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23 – What was wrong in 2011

21 December, 2011

1) Money, money, money.
I didn’t spend that much, but I didn’t earn nearly enough. It is almost three years, save for few months of little income, I am living with my savings. I am getting seriously worried now, because the effort to find jobs or invest my money and reinvent myself in various way has been there. The results have been really poor though and what is worst, with the savings quickly drying up, the outlook is not encouraging at all. The only hope is that like a typical italian, I will take out the best of me only when I will be really in trouble. I am not there yet, but getting close.

2) I have not found a place to call home
Even if my tenure in Cali has been the longest since I am travelling, I can’t wait to leave it and there are no good reasons to come back. That mean in 2012 again I have no idea where I will be and my plans are no longer than six months. After years of unfruitful tentatives to “settle down” in a new place or at least find a spot to call as “my base”, lately I am changing my attitude focusing on accepting the simple fact that like Ugo Foscolo I am just a rootless from land to land. And there are opportunities that come with it, although eight years on the road have taken is toll.

3) I have not a person to whom entrust my life
Nor that I care about marriage or that I want to deceive into “for the rest of my life” relationships, but there are times when I would just like to know I can count on someone for sure. I am getting tired of superficial relationships, girls interested only in your bank account or too busy to find themselves in their spiritual quest to care committing with someone else. But it is not really a problem of having a girlfriend, it is more that I am not only a solitary person, I am not just alone most of the time out of a personal choice. Sometimes, maybe too many times, I feel simply lonely.

4) Maybe because I am too touchy?
I have a knack for rubbing the people in the wrong way. I still don’t know what’s wrong in me, but I keep screwing all relationships at impressive rate. It is a difficult world, and humans are more like wolves than sheep, no doubts. Moreover I have way above the average ethic standards, in other words I am very demanding and generally unforgiving. I’m going to paraphrase Thoreau here… rather than love, than money, than faith, than fame, than fairness… give me truth. I also believe that you are wrong if you think that the joy of life comes principally from the joy of human relationships. God’s place is all around us, it is in everything and in anything we can experience. People just need to change the way they look at things. (Me first). But I am also well aware that Happiness only real when shared. Sometimes I feel like running in a circle, repeating cyclically the same mistakes. It is frustrating.

5) Too many days wasted for laziness or despondency
With no job, no home, no persons to rely in difficult times, sometimes it is normal that you let yourself down, still I have wasted too many days not fighting hardly enough, going to bed not being able to acquit me for what I have done since I woke up. This is the worst, what pissed me the most. Partially it is just te way I am: there are people who are steady and ordinary, whom you know their output will be more or less predictable, and others who has a wider range and can go over the top like under the bottom. Ones are not better than the others, just different. And I belong definitely to the class of “non ordinary”. Still I reckon I am too emotional, too dependent of the mood of the day, attached to little facts and not focused on the big picture.


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One Comment
  1. WOW Cloudio,
    respect for being human and admitting the weakness…

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