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21 – Ways to tell you who I am

15 December, 2011

These are the answers I gave in the “21 days journaling challenge” on Personal Excellence website, run by Celes from Singapore. It was te first time I was doing something like that and I found it a useful and sometimes funny way to know my self better.
I added a personal extra challenge, and made it also an exercise of “being coincise”, trying to answers all question in exactly 100 words.
Of course I already have changed idea on few answers, but this is not the point.

1 – What would you do if you have 1 million dollars?
I would buy cash a house for me, spending 3-400.000 $. Then donate 150.000$ each to my mom and to my sister, for whatever they want. I’d put the rest in a Swiss bank for the future, split in savings, short and long term investments in something I believe (no speculations).
I will rent my house and with this income keep doing what I am doing now, traveling and writing, but with definitely less worries about my retirement and giving myself some occasional extra pleasures. Most important: once distributed funds, hopefully the only change in me will be less anxiety and not more arrogance.

2 – If you are to do something for free for the rest of your life, what it would be?
Note sure I have understood your question and examples or other answers didn’t help me, since I already do everything mentioned. I associate free with freedom and gratis. I feel free to do everything I want, at least what depend just of me, and almost everything I do it, I do it for free. It does not mean I would like to do anything gratis for the rest of my life.
While I began all my jobs as passions and started do it gratis, I don’t think getting recognition for what you do is a bad thing, so I will not refuse any gratification.

3 – What is Your Ideal Diet Like?
I love food. One of the few things that make me proud to be Italian. I love cooking my own food like an alchemist, as much as trying new restaurants. Food is culture: every place I travel, I try local specialities. My ideal diet is against any -ism, simply be conscious. Know what you eat. No food is ethically good or evil, pure healthy or junk. Just find what’s better for you. Experiment. One day I can eat like a pig, the next day fasting. I only need to learn to chew slowly. Spaghetti, Argentinean cow, Sashimi, French fries, Tiramisù. Wine is divine.

4 – If You Are To Travel Back in Time to 3 Years Ago, What Advice Would You Give Yourself?
I am so perfectionist, if I can travel back to this morning I would change at least 100 things.
That’s why if I can travel back to 3 years ago, I probably wouldn’t change a bit. Everything happened to me, it was for a reason: give me opportunity to grow. Think about the movie “sliding doors” or the zen story “maybe”. Errare humanum est, perseverare autem diabolicum: you make mistakes so you can learn from them. Just avoid repeat the same twice. Still I would like to think less about the past or the future, and just live more intensely the present moment.

I rewrote after Celes, the host, ask to find something anyway.
I would tell to my 3 years younger me not to obsess in finding a place where to settle down, because my intimate nature is nomadic, and while you get tired of traveling after years, there is no place on Earth I will not get uncomfortable after a while. Ditto for the search of a twin soul: there are times where you need more the help of a person, who can stay on your side and understand you, but even if you think you have found her, she may be not ready or willing to stay with you. Go over!

5 – Who is the most important person to you in the world?
It may sound selfish, but the most important person to me is ME. I am actually a very caring and generous person (at least that’s what people me tell me), so this is not a choice of egotism, more the realization that to really love others, you first must learn to love yourself.
Mom, sister, friends, even that person who doesn’t want to hear anymore about me: I love you all.
But as someone once told me: stop looking for external love, just open your heart, open it so wide, and then synchronicities will happen, and everything will fall magically in his place.

6 – What frustrates you?
I am definitely too frustrated. On an ordinary day, everything bother me. Opportunistic and superficial people, the ones who refuse help, when I don’t meet my goals, that I haven’t learned yet to let go of things easily. Being intimately so unforgiving and tormented, while outside I appear the opposite.
That sometimes I see something is true with my mind or my heart, still I can’t adhere. Like believing the first and maybe only step for remove my frustration is just accept what it is, nevertheless I forget this too often. Whatever, thanks also who posted before me, I feel better now.

7 – What is the most important thing you’ve learned in life so far?
The most important thing I have learned in life so far, is that everything change. Nothing is permanent. All is continuously in evolution. Good times and bad times, up and downs, they are all destined to pass away, sooner or later.
That mean, don’t get attach to anything. What is the most important thing to you now, in a minute you may find it not so important anymore. Actually, the most important thing I have learned so far is probably something else. Like happiness is within us, or we control our life. Uhm, no, not really, not exactly. But maybe one day.

8 – On a Scale of 1-10, How Much Do You Love Yourself?
Hard to use my self imposed 100 words for this topic, so I took advantage of the space to compliment Celes with her answer on yesterday question “Most important thing I have learned in my life is that I have learned nothing”. So true!
It also help me to answer today question: How much do I love myself? 10. But how much I express this properly? Or the way I would like to? To quote Celes I should say 0.
Ops 0 not an option, so 1. Maybe more, but far from 10. Same apply if the question would be “to love somebody” (Bee Gees)

9 – What drives you?
I am much less idealist than I used to be. This also mean there are less things that drives me and I live for, and this forces are weaker. For something I am just desinchated, if not resigned. Being 40 I know I’ll never be a football player and the window for procreate is closing.
Sounds depressing, but getting rid of illusions is the path that get you closer the truth. And these days, while I still have many projects, I just live trying to be open to whatever life offers to me. What drives me is the willing to learn.

10 – Who do enjoy spending time with?
Spending time with someone, to me is a matter of quality over quantity.
I am a lonely wolf, most part of the day I need to stay on my own. So I enjoy my relatives and friends, even if I always feeling I should find a way to connect more and better with them.
Then I enjoy people who can tell me a good story: being them writers, artists, travelers or whatever.
I also enjoy people with different views or lifestyle of mines, because they force me to put in discussion my beliefs. I also enjoy meeting new people and connect with living nature.

11 – Out of Your 5 Senses, Which is the Most Important to You, and Why?
This is the toughest question so far, because I know it would be very hard to me accepting to lose any sense. While the one I use more is sight, while I believe everything you learn form your taste, while smell is the first self defense tool we have, I choose touch.
Not only because in the last two years I worked as a masseur, but also because is the primary sense we use to make love. Moreover I discovered touch as a higher form of communication than verbal. Last, but not least, it’s well explained by the expression “keep in touch”.

12 – What are your biggest goals for the next few years?
In order of importance, the following are my biggest goals for the next 5 to 10 years:
1) Increase the mutual love and respect with my family and friends
2) Become a father and keep a supporting relation, no matter what, with the mother of my baby. Donate my sperm
3) Improve my physical and psychical shape
4) Have a steady source of income from a business, socially useful and fun for me
5) Publish a book which is read and appreciated by at least 1000 people
6) Visit at least 100 countries (I’m actually around 50)
7) Become fluent in Japanese and in another language

13 – What do you fear the most?
What I fear the most is to die alone. Abandoned. While I believe in the motto “We live together and die alone”, dying alone then would be a direct consequence of too much living alone. In other words, being Lost. Going deeper, it feels not realize my potential. Not accomplish the mission I had to in my life. It means I am afraid to die with self unforgiven regrets. While I need to accept physiological failures and mistakes, I feel the line between what you could have done better and what you simply could have done and you didn’t is sometimes too thin.

14 – What is love?
Love IS

15 – What is the most painful thing you have experienced to date?
Is it the most painful what have you perceived as painful, or what do you think damaged you the most? I think my parents divorce affected me maybe more than everything, but I was 7 when it happened and it is something I realized only later, little by little. Chasing my father who always escaped his duties until I gave up 3 years ago was the most devastating consequence.
What I felt as the most painful event? Surely being rejected when you fall in love, and everytime feels harder. Also betrayal of people you give your trust is always extremely painful too me.

16 -What makes you happy?
What made me happy today: a sunny morning and an enchanting view of the valley when I woke up. Find a new challenge that can turn into a new job. A very hot shower. Write an article for my blog. Receive comments. A fresh tomato with salt. Help someone who asked me for informations. Walking alone 1km from countryside to the village. A cup of good cafè espresso. Read few pages of a book I already read years ago. Stumble into a friend. Twice. An arepa with butter.
I am generally happy when I can find positives in things without looking for it. Serendipity.

17 – If the world come to an end today, how would you feel?
I think a lot about it: what If I will die or the world come to an end in ten minutes?
This does not really scared me, more it push me to be responsible and live life at fullest. Do not delay to tomorrow what you can do now. Except clean the house, of course. If it is going to happen indeed, my ego would be upset because there are many things I would like to do and experiment first. But at the same time me, you, everybody, will finally have an answer to the most important question of all. What’s next? How’s doomsday?

18 – What matter most to you?
What matter the most to me is to love, being loved and keep learning. The daily activities I consider most important to achieve my purposes are: stay healthy, eat well, sleep well, live in the present moment, writing to express myself, contribute to social community and general life evolution, being good with people and all creation. Learn to forgive and be respectful of others point of views.
Exercise my body, especially with yoga. Exercise my mind, with good readings and meditation. Exercise both, with good sex, travelling and having fun. Try to give my best effort in every situation. Being humble and ambitious. Being honest. Just be.

19 – What words best describes you?
Words people use more to describe me: attentive, caring, sweetheart, intelligent, non conformist, but also unpredictable, pedantic, touchy, too demanding
Words best describe me in my own perception: curious, ironic, restless, honest

20 -What limiting beliefs are you holding on to?
I admit I am lost on this one. Is it mainly because I am tired of the challenge (last days has been hard to me to focus on questions) or it is mostly because of nature of the question, I am not sure. I have the feeling my really limiting beliefs, unfortunately I am not concious about yet. Yes, of course, like all of you, I generally feel I am not good enough to do this, etc. I generally also feel the opposite: I pretend something I am not really working enough to deserve it. I wish I have a better perception on this.

21 – What is your biggest wish for the future?
I didn’t answer this question during the challenge and I’m not doing either now. Like many self help manuals recommends, I’m going to make a balance of this years is coming to an end (I alreday wrote it actually, but there is still time for last minute changes) and a prospect for the one is arriving. In that I will explicit my wishes for the near future. Wait, that was question n°12..never mind ..I can’t tell everything

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